The Problem With Attachment Parenting

I have probably approached this topic from a hundred different directions.  Still not quite sure how to say it nicely.  Today, as a change in programming, I am just going to come out and say it.

The problem with Attachment Parenting is that it is impossible to do perfectly.

There.  I said it.

I love the ideas behind attachment parenting- kindly responsiveness, respect, balance, etc.  But we have to be honest- no matter what AP is SUPPOSED to be, what it usually end up being is very different. 

What does AP end up being?  Often it is a laundry list of mom resume accomplishments- breastfeeding, baby wearing, no circumcision, natural birth, no cry-it-out, co-sleeping, organic food and toxin free clothing and of course- cloth diapers!  I even hear people say they don't believe in saying "no" to their children and think time-outs are as bad as spanking.  (Spare me, please.) The truth is it probably doesn't have to be ANY of those things, but that is what it gets turned into. 

I know my love affair with AP ended when I found myself pregnant with my second child.

I had been busy for the previous two years co-sleeping, breastfeeding on cue, and just generally striving for perfection.  When I became pregnant again, I knew one thing- I could not SUSTAIN the mom rules I had set up for myself in my AP strive for Dr. Sears approval.

I was exhausted.  EXHAUSTED.  I had not slept through the night since my first pregnancy over two years before.  Throughout my second pregnancy my two year old woke up every night and crawled into bed with me around 3am.  In my big old pregnant state I couldn't get back to sleep.  I was tired and not just physically.  I was emotionally exhausted and fed up with constant contact and lack of sleep and doing it all for the good of my baby.  I had lost myself in the shuffle.

Maybe that isn't what is supposed to happen.  Maybe I was being unwise in my expectations for myself.  I am pretty sure though that I am not the only one.  I think AP burnout is really pretty common and the fact that other moms SEE how burnt out AP moms are makes them a little afraid to even TRY it.

I am ashamed (or just frightened) to even admit that my second child didn't sleep for even ONE night in our bedroom as an infant.  She went into a bassinet in the room with her brother (swaddled even!  GASP!) and she slept like a champ. 

I was home with my two kids by myself for about 18 hours a day.  I was over 1000 miles away from family.  The problem with AP at this point was that I COULD NOT DO IT.  I physically couldn't be there constantly, answering every emotional whimper, need, and diaper with perfect, attached, surreal calmness.

The baby swing- ummmm, yeah, I used it.  And I LIKED IT.  I have also owned a Bumbo (double gasp!) and strollers (I know- we can't be friends any more!  Real AP moms only baby-wear!) and bouncers and all that jazz.  Do they all work for every kid?  No.  But sometimes they worked.  Sometimes they kept me sane.  Sometimes they made life bearable when I was overwhelmed. 

The sad reality is that most modern families don't have 10 adults living in a house together.  Most people don't have half a dozen children and grandmas all under one roof.  If you do then it is pretty possible for somebody to always go straight to a fussing baby and you can raise a child who never cries for more than a few seconds.  But for most mothers the reality is much more lonely (and private) and those gadgets we buy- well they replace grandmother or an older sibling or a mom who simply needs to feed her other children.

The problem with Attachment Parenting is the rules and the restrictions and the impossible perfection and of course- the JUDGMENT.  Not just judgment that we throw at each other, but the judgment that we hurl at OURSELVES when we perceive that we fall short. 

Today- more than 7 years after my first baby, I don't consider myself an "Attachment Parent".  I just try to be the best I can be in my circumstances.  I try to baby-wear when it works for me and my baby (and my back).  I try to get my babies when they need me but it doesn't always happen immediately.  I try to make them feel loved but that doesn't mean I meet their every grunt and noise with a nipple.  I breastfeed but sometimes I don't like it.  I still love my stroller more than is healthy.

The biggest difference now though is that I no longer feel guilty or ashamed of all of these truths.  I am more comfortable in my mom skin than I was seven years ago and I am more accepting of my own imperfections. 

I hope that we can all get to a place where we find real balance and where we are so sure of how we are parenting that we don't care how other people are looking at us.  I hope we can raise healthy, well rounded children who don't believe the world revolves around them and are sensitive to others.  I am not sure how perfect parenting is done or how to raise a child into a fantastic adult. 

I am pretty sure that it means doing our best and letting go of the rest.  Nobody wants a mother who has lost her joy in trying to be a perfect mother. 

Circumcision and the AAP

Just recently the AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics) has issued a new policy statement on circumcision.  Frankly I have never considered myself an intactivist- they seem a little angry to me.  But also frankly, this statement has made me think that maybe they are angry for a reason. 

You can read the AAP statement in full HERE.

The basic concept is that circumcision is now recommended (or is it?!  it isn't really that clear) because the benefits outweigh the risks.  The benefits are as follows,

"Specific benefits identified included prevention of urinary tract infections, penile cancer, and transmission of some sexually transmitted infections, including HIV."

As is true to fashion for those policy statement makers over at the AAP and ACOG- they didn't actually include any REFERENCES for their statement.  Just vagueness about how leaving one's son intact is sure to result in HIV (death) or urinary tract infections (OUCH), and the like.

Don't worry though- I took the liberty to look up the information FOR THEM!  I know policy making doctors are busy so I am up in the middle of the night after sweeping my floor bringing you the latest and greatest in medical research.

YOU.  ARE.  WELCOME.

Let's begin with the big banana- HIV and circumcision.  The first study I found that linked circumcision (pardon me- NOT being circumcised) to HIV was this one. 

But wait- it also looked at other factors- It seems that,

"Analysis of behavioural and biological factors showed that old age, sex work, lifetime number of sexual partners, receptive anal sex, lack of circumcision, genital diseases and lack of formal education were related to a higher HIV-1 seroprevalence."

Dude.  Sucks that I am a woman.  Maybe they should cut me off too.  I could give you a disease.

This can't possibly be the study they were thinking of when the AAP made that statement.  It was actually done in India, so it seems kind of distant to have a direct impact on little American babies.  Must keep looking for good research to support this statement.

Here is another one, a meta-analysis.  This might be what they were getting at.  This compilation of studies done in sub-Saharan Africa found that,

" Male circumcision is associated with a significantly reduced risk of HIV infection among men in sub-Saharan Africa, particularly those at high risk of HIV. These results suggest that consideration should be given to the acceptability and feasibility of providing safe services for male circumcision as an additional HIV prevention strategy in areas of Africa where men are not traditionally circumcised."

OK- so men in sub-Saharan who are circumcised have a lower risk of HIV infection (oh, and they have an even higher risk if they are at high risk.)  Lots of studies- so this is good.  Does this study apply to you if you have an infant child in ANOTHER part of the world?  That is for you to decide.  Even the people who did the study did NOT recommend circumcision to babies in America (or anywhere else)- but to MEN in THIS PART OF THE WORLD who were HIGH RISK.  I think it is worth it to point out that the researches on these studies did not (that I could ever find) recommend that routine infant circumcision be done simply because of their findings. 

Here is another study, this one in Australia and done among homosexual men.  It however DID NOT find that circumcision was a risk factor.  They must not have looked at this study. It found that,

"Our data showing that there is no difference in the circumcision status of men infected by receptive or insertive UAI, in a population with a circumcision prevalence of approximately 75%, suggests that circumcision is not strongly protective against HIV infection in homosexual men."

Here is another study (also in sub-Saharan Africa).  This one looked at the link between circumcision, HIV and cervical cancer in women.   This study DID find a link between intact men and the spread of certain diseases.  However- the researches did not recommend routine INFANT circumcision.  Instead they recommend (in THESE areas)

"Although male circumcision must not substitute for other HIV and STI prevention strategies [46], the international public health and medical community should consider the implications and practicalities of integrating safe, voluntary male circumcision services with existing HIV prevention programs, particularly in countries with low prevalence of male circumcision and high prevalence of sexually-transmitted HIV."

 There are many other articles on HIV transmission and the circumcision link.  I recommend you look for them yourself.  Simply Google, "research articles circumcision and disease transmission" and you will find plenty to keep you busy.  

Let's move on though to the UTI (urinary tract infection) circumcision link.  I personally have had TWO UTIs in my life and let me tell you, they are uncomfortable.  I actually took antibiotics.  If only I could have prevented them by cutting off part of my genitals....

Here is a study that tries to determine if circumcision is worth it to prevent UTI.  They found,

"Until this additional information is available, the present data do not support the routine circumcision of boys to prevent UTI. However, circumcision should be considered in those with recurrent UTI or significantly increased risk of UTI."

This must not have been the study that the AAP was referring to because....the researches actually don't recommend routine circumcision because the risk of circumcision outweighs the potential benefit. (My emphasis added.)  They also mentioned that they low-balled the circumcision complication rate (guessing it around 2% but they admit it could be higher) and they STILL don't recommend routine circumcision EVEN with the assumed low complication rate of circumcision. 

Here are a few more research articles on the subject, should you care to read them.  (Notice how I include this stuff- it is because I think you are smart enough to check your facts- EVEN if I disagree with the findings.)

This one found that circumcision did lower UTI risk for the first year of life (but they still didn't recommend it routinely.)
Here is another on the subject.
And another.

I have to admit- I am feeling tired.  The AAP also mentioned the increase in penile cancer as a reason to circumcise boys.  Feel free to Google that yourself.

I hope that we can all do our OWN research on any procedure for our children that cannot be undone and which may or may not benefit them.  I hope also that we can have honest conversations with our children as they grow about how their lifestyle choices and can impact their incidence of contracting serious STD's.  I hope we can respect our children enough to allow them to make their own choices, no matter how painful that may be.

I wish you wisdom as you make the many, many hard choices you will have as a parent.  And I hope that those we respect and whose opinions we value can make recommendations that are really for the health and safety of our children. 

(As an aside, this is not meant as an insult to parents who choose to circumcise.  This is a criticism of a physicians group making a pseudo (but not quite...I am honestly not sure what the point is) recommendation on something without supplying data to support their claims.  Not only that, what seems to be the most upsetting about this statement is that no definite mandates are made- EXCEPT one- which is they want to be reimbursed by insurance for this procedure when they do it.  This seems to me, quite frankly, to be more about money, insurance, and getting reimbursed for a very common procedure, more than it is about babies or circumcision.  That is what is most disappointing about this statement- that those who should have the best interests of our children at heart seem most interested in getting paid for something that may or may not be necessary.  Just my two cents.) 

Sorry Ms Rosin, I Don't Consider Promiscuity "Success" and Motherhood "Failure"

Well, I received my issue of "The Atlantic" this week.  It contains an article by Hanna Rosin that I was  afraid to even read.

In all fairness I should admit that I probably have a very different outlook on life than the intelligent Hanna.  I almost always disagree with her.  She seems to find "attachment parenting" oppressive to the state of women everywhere.  She actually wrote a huge article on how formula is really just as good as breastfeeding (and seems to lend weight to the article because she actually breastfeeds but thinks it is lame?!)  Oh, she also thinks breastfeeding oppresses women.  (My thoughts on this article are in one of my very first blog posts, written years ago.  Man I hope I write better than that now.)

You know- I can really SEE where she is coming from in a lot of her opinions.  Even though I have a one year old and a three year old in my bed by 4 AM I can admit that all this attachment stuff isn't roses and organic body mist.  I won't lie about the truths of motherhood even if they are harsh and hard and even feel a little oppressive. 

This article wasn't directly about motherhood though.  It is titled "Boys On The Side" and is actually about "hook-up" culture among educated American 20-30 something women.  Rather than seeing sexual permissiveness as a bad thing, she has decided that in fact it is liberating.  Surely, she isn't the first or the last to believe this.  It isn't even a new idea at all. 

And yet, I find myself a little disappointed in her positive assessment regarding sexual promiscuity.

Rosin's  main thrust as stated in the the article blurb is this, (speaking of sexual promiscuity)

"Actually, it is an engine of female progress- one being harnessed and driven by women themselves."

She then goes on to describe how these progressive women are not bothered by pornography, strip clubs, rude and graphic remarks, or vulgarity by the men around them, even their boyfriends.  In fact, they seemed so immune that they didn't even NOTICE it. 

She then describes the "hook-up culture" and why it is liberating and empowering for women.  Rather than getting bogged down and held back by relationships, commitments, and family, these successful and driven women simply have consentual, brief, and meaningless sexual relationships that are never intended to last or become too involved.

She even makes something of a compelling case for why this is good- these women are able to be more successful BECAUSE they don't have the burdens of family, the time suck of relationships, and so were able to pursue their careers and education with single mindedness. 

She even mocks the work of Caitlin Flanagan (who I adore) because she is nostalgic for a time when sex meant something to women (and men). 

I will admit to a pretty puritanical outlook on morality and sex.  I have come to realize that I view the sacredness of sex and marriage and family very differently than many people around me.  But I don't think my problem with Rosen simply hinges on my dark age views on sex and marriage.

I disagree with Rosen so strongly mostly because the value system she uses to assign women worth is deeply flawed and misogynistic.

Oh, and I can prove it with her own words.  She says, 

"... unlike the women in earlier ages, they have more-important things on their minds, such as good grades and intern­ships and job interviews and a financial future of their own."

Rosen believes that internships, job interviews, and finances are more important than what women used to worry about.  What did they used to worry about back in the awful days of yore?  Family.  Marriage.  Children.  You know, those things that don't matter.

Over and over she uses the word "success" when she talks about careers and money and avoiding family commitments and children.

"...they can enter into temporary relationships that don't get int he way of future success."

"For an upwardly mobile, ambitious young woman, hookups were a way to dip into relationships without disrupting her self-development or schoolwork"

These temporary relationships are awesome because they give a woman,

"the ability to delay marriage and have temporary relationships that don’t derail education or career."

I personally think it is awesome and incredible downright fabulous that women are making money, are powerful in their careers and are well educated.  I love that we can make choices for ourselves and our futures and that we really have reached a place where we can take our lives into our own hands.  If some women decided to use that power and those choices to have numerous and brief "hook-ups" then fine.  Not my style, but whatever.

The biggest problem with Rosen and her opinions though is not that they are immoral (OK, I think they are) but that they pigeon hole what success is for women (and men).

According to her success is education, money, a career.  She openly mocks women in her article who have children  younger or who get married at a younger age.  She shares quotes clearly indicating that these women, those who have chosen motherhood and marriage are backwards, old fashioned, small town and NOT successful.  

Really?

REALLY???

Is this what people call feminism?  Is this what we call empowerment?

Because if the only way that a woman can be considered a success (by other women no less) is to make tons of money, have a high pressure career and an impressive degree from a respected university, then I sure suck and so do LOTS of women. 

If we believe that these three things: money, career, and education, are the only things that measure success (in a woman OR a man) then I feel sorry for our culture and our country in general.

Why do I feel sad?  Why is this misogynistic?  This is blatant hatred of women because it conveniently LEAVES OUT and dismisses some things that women can do.

To name just a few: be a mother, be a wife, be a sister, be friend, serve others, nurture, love, etc, etc, etc.  Maybe love and service and motherhood and all that jazz just sounds dumb and un-successful to Rosin.  Maybe it sounds like a failure to a lot of us.  I can even admit that it felt like a failure TO ME when that (motherhood) was "all" I was doing with my life.

But Hanna is wrong.  Our culture is wrong.  I was WRONG.

A woman can be a success without making tons of money.  She can be a success without going to Yale or working on Wall Street.  In fact, to me, what feminism really SHOULD be about is being able to consider myself successful even if "all" I do is mother my children.

I don't have to act like a corrupt frat guy on steroids to feel successful.  I sure as hell don't have to view women being paid to have sex in a movie in order to feel empowered.  I can honestly say that I wouldn't want my daughters OR my son to treat their bodies and their ability to procreate and the idea of family as a waste or burden or a failure.

In fact, for my children, the thing I hope they are most "successful" at is being a good mother or father and wife and husband.  I don't measure my own personal success merely by the money in my bank account or the degrees on my wall.  I won't think my children are useless if they don't make it to an Ivy League school.

But I will be disappointed in them (and myself) if they are bad parents.  I will be saddened if they value pleasure over duty and selfishness over service.  I will be disappointed if they choose a life that revolves around themselves and their desires above all else. 

Ms Rosin you are wrong.

You are wrong to call the female acceptance of pornography a sign of progress.  (Can we really believe that this is good for ANYBODY?  This blows my mind.)  You are wrong to consider family a sign of failure and career a sign- no THE sign of success.  You are measuring women with a ruler that doesn't even have the right numbers on it. 

Not only are you wrong but you have bought into the biggest lies that women have ever been told- that motherhood doesn't matter.  That the things that we do as women- that ONLY women can do, are actually just....nothing.  You don't even put them on the yardstick.  The success of parenting or marriage or simply JOY are absent.  Instead the only measure is monetary.

That is the measure that MEN have used and you have bought into their theory lock, stock and barrel.  Do us all a favor and STOP IT.  Step back.  Recognize that the way you are measuring women (and men) and measure success is in and of itself SEXIST and misogynistic.

Stop buying into the lie that the only things worth value are the things that women do outside of their home.  These lies are the worst kind, because so many women believe them and also because they throw out with the bathwater all the things women do that they don't get paid for.

Women are empowered.  Women are strong.  Women do have choices.

Women should also still be valued if they choose to find success in their home or if they pursue greatness in their kitchen or with their children or within their community.

Stop limiting women by measuring us only with your flawed value system.  You hurt all of us.  Worst of all, you de-value your own work as a wife and mother.

Motherhood matters.

Don't ever forget it. 

Watch Out- She's Gonna BLOW!- Our Fear Of Exploding Pregnant Women

Photo via http:www.morguefile.com

I read this very tastefully done piece on Yahoo news about a Ms Snookie (?) who is pregnant and said that she is going to "burst".  (Do yourself a favor and don't read the comments.  In fact, just skip the whole thing.) 

This young woman (who is apparently a reality TV STAR!) is worried she is going to burst or explode or basically break and die in the process of, you guessed it- PREGNANCY AND/OR CHILDBIRTH!

Sadly, the sentiment is all too common. 

Did I tell you about the time one of my students was told on her hospital tour that sometimes women just, "EXPLODE down there!"  (TRUE STORY.) 

And if you have been living in a cave you may have missed the last 20 years of hysteria over exploding uteri.  Yes, the female uterus is liable to explode at any moment- especially if it has ever been handled by an OB. 

Then again, any pregnant woman who dares walk outside in the open air after about six months gestation is bound to have somebody tell her one of the following:

"You look like you could POP!"
"Holy cow, you are ready to burst!"
"Oh my gosh, can you get any bigger without exploding?!"

Yes, gentility still abounds.  So many polite people.  So many.

I have news for you though.  It may be hard to believe but WOMEN were DESIGNED to survive pregnancy and birth.

Your pregnant tummy will not pop.
Your uterus will not rupture.
Your vagina will not explode.

You skin is meant to stretch, as is your uterus and your vagina. 

I know we cling to the notion of 16 year old, bounce a nickel off the old abs, FIRMNESS in this country, but it is WRONG.  We are meant to stretch.  One of the reasons pregnancy and birth take time is because the tissues need that time to S  T  R  E  T  C  H. 

If you don't believe me, go to a beach.  Look around.  We might find it repulsive because we are wacky and backwards and secretly hate motherhood, BUT- you will see proof all around you that women and their bodies successfully accommodate the growing and birthing of a child.  Those of us who are lucky enough, bear the scars forever.  (Also, my thighs had to get bigger and they ALSO have stretch marks.  I don't really see the point of that though.) 

We aren't broken.  Neither are our lady parts.

Respect the stretch boys.



(Disclaimer- I do realize that sometimes things do go wrong.  The chances however, of either severe vaginal tearing or uterine rupture- even with VBAC- are relatively small and often overstated.  Do your research.)

Kids: The Gift That Keeps On Taking

He needs something.  Like NOW.

So I was on vacation with my family a few weeks ago.  Not just MY family but my parents and my brothers and their significant others.  It was a little weird/sad because suddenly my four kids didn't give a flying fart about me.  Instead they were stuck like glue to other people who are cooler, younger, less haggard and way more fun because they never get irritated and want to freak out. 

All I can say is I could NEVER in a million years taken four kids to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk and survived without them.  (Plus, somebody small would have fallen off of those horribly scary giant swings that go on a tiny rope over the entire park.  Freaky.)

Anyway, on the last day of "vacation" (notice the quotes- it is because when you have kids there is not such thing as vacation)  we were talking about going out to dinner with my little brother and his fabulous girlfriend. 

As I am trying to figure out where we should go and he keeps evading the question it suddenly occurs to me: HE DOESN'T WANT TO EAT AGAIN WITH MY CHILDREN.

He actually wanted to...wait for it....eat a nice romantic dinner with his mate without screaming or food throwing or five trips to the potty.  You know- like how you do when you date people.  Remember? 

Think WAY BACK. 

Wasn't that nice?

As I quickly review the previous few days I realize that my son who ADORES his uncle has literally been stuck to him like glue.  For real- GLUE.  (He loves his uncles.)  As you know, if you have children and spend time with them on a regular basis- this can get a little overwhelming.  So much so in fact that the BATHROOM, which was once a kinda smelly place to relieve yourself suddenly becomes a special oasis with a lock on it.

 "MOM!!!! LET ME IN!  I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING!!!"
"I saw you two minutes ago.  I will be right out."
"I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!!!  SHE TOUCHED ME WITH A TOWEL!!!"
"I always give you privacy when you are in the bathroom.  Please do me the same favor."
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!  I NEED YOU!"

  Well, an oasis except for the banging and screaming, but you know what I mean.

So back to my brother.  He wanted a moment on HIS vacation to actually relax and not get pulled on.  It wasn't that he didn't like the kids, it was just that everybody needs a break.  Everybody.

The aunts and uncles are really nice to the kids.  They don't see them often so they indulge them and don't tell them to "stop talking" or to "go and do something else right now" like I do.  It isn't that I am mean, it is really just that occasionally the pressure in my brain builds up to dangerous levels and I need, what mom's everywhere call a "moment."

I talked to my hubby about this.  I told him that I hope my brothers don't think I am mean to the kids.  Hubby says they will understand someday, when they have their own.  I really think that kids are fabulous and joyful and cute and charming and a gift.  I also think that they will take and take and take and take unless you put your foot down every once in a while.

For me, this is where the "Attachment Style of Parenting" gets a little tricky.  It seems to make sense that a baby "needs"  a lot all the time.  I don't want to walk away from their cries for anything.

But gradually they grow bigger.  And bigger.  And bigger.

Slowly the needs morph into wants but it can be difficult to tell which is which and just HOW MUCH I should give.  When is saying "No" necessary for my sanity?  When is saying "No" just me being selfish?  


It seems obvious that a two year old or an eight year old or anybody else who is given what they want when they want it constantly will develop into a very unpleasant individual. 

But my kids, 7, 5, 3 and 1, well they all WANT something almost ALL OF THE TIME.  Maybe I am a terrible mom.  Maybe I indulge them too much.  I can honestly say that I really don't know what the hell is going on.  It is quite possible that they are normal.  It is also possible that they are very selfish.  (Is selfish normal for children?  How do you get rid of that because I thought having a bunch of kids would kind of make that extreme self-centeredness impossible.)

I forgot why I was writing this post.  It was something about finding balance and setting boundaries and being loving without going crazy and firm and teaching limits without be a psycho hose-beast.  (Note to self, hose-beast is actually in the spellchecker!?  WHAT THE?  Did somebody watch too much Beavis and Butthead or what?) 

I was going to say something deep, but now I have a headache because I am tired and I finished some ice cream cake.  My point was simply this:  I hope I don't screw my kids up too bad and I hope I don't go insane in the process. 

Also, there is a possibility I will make a million dollars off of a soundproof bathroom design.

Peace out!

PS- I don't feel to guilty about letting my son totally overwhelm my brother for his entire holiday.  My brother bought the kids a working accordion.  I am pretty sure he owes me FOREVER.

Bad Mom VS Good Mom

How do you handle THIS with grace?!

I had the most amazing day at church today.  It was Stake Conference.  (Though I am Mormon and we do eat meat, we don't actually EAT steak and confer about it at these things, we just get together and listen to people talk.  It is spelled differently.)  Anyway, it was good stuff.  I felt really...lifted up in a good way.

Do you know that feeling?  When life has been kicking you in the teeth and you are starting to feel a little sorry for yourself and angry at somebody (probably hubby) and then something happens or you read something or hear something and suddenly, your burdens feel lighter and you just KNOW you can go on and do better?

It was like that. 

And it was a good feeling.

My noisy babies fell asleep and my older kids were quiet for a few moments and I actually had a chance to be still, reflect, listen, and look inward at what I needed to work on.  It is a wonderful thing every once in a while for a busy, noise bombarded mother to just B R E A T H E and consider life and what is going right and what is going wrong.

I don't get those moments very often.  And too often, when I DO get a moment alone I spend it moping a floor or reading a junky novel.  (Which is totally awesome by the way, not giving up mysteries anytime soon.)

I know I talk a lot on here about the stuff I do wrong and the spilled milk and the screaming kids and ways I manipulate my husband, but deep down, I actually want to be a good person.  I WANT to be a good mother and an amazing wife.  I want to look back on my life when I am old and feel like I did my best and be...content with the job I did. 

So I left this conference after hearing a lot of words that I needed to hear.  I thought some thoughts that I needed to think.  I felt whole and confident and humbled all at the same time. 

I was sure of it:  I was going to do better!

Less YELLING!

Less fighting!

More patience!

More love!

More kindness!

More understanding! 

Shoot, I was even going to clean my windows. 

I can't think of a better feeling than that- the peaceful feeling you have when you know  you need to work on something but you also KNOW you can do it.  It is a quiet and humble confidence.  It is really what us religious folks call faith on a personal level. 

Then of course, I got in my car. 

I drove home. 

My family was there.

Then the strangest thing happened.

My five year old sassed me over something really stupid. 

The house was imperfect, just how I had left it. 

There was lots to do and people coming over and nobody seemed to cooperate as I desired. 

Suddenly my desire to be more incredible was slammed face to face with the reality which is life: chaos, mood swings, imperfection, and fatigue. 

Mama, it is SO much harder to be a good mom in real life than it is IN MY HEAD.  Do you know what I mean?  I have the sneaking suspicion you do.  (I am not even good at being a good mom on my blog!!!)

I think of the scripture in Matthew 26: 41, "the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak."  (Did I just freak you out with scripture?  Sorry.  Very occasionally, usually on a Sunday I whip out the old spiritual post.  You can leave.  Don't be mad at me.)

But it IS true you know.  Even if you don't believe in the scriptures, this one has  a lot of truth in it.  Inside, the GOOD MOM me, she KNOWS how she should be.  She knows how important it is.  She knows she must be better for these kids and for her husband and for the world and just for HERSELF.  

Then real life happens, and boy is it hard.  The flesh IS weak after hours of noise and little sleep and just being stressed in so many parts of life.  The ACTION of perfection is so much harder than the IDEA of perfection.  

I kind of think that this is why things get so heated sometimes between mothers when we talk about all these perfect parenting techniques with all their peace and love and no raised voices.  Yeah- they sound pretty good to just about everybody.  Kids who listen because you are consistent and fair.  Mothers who stay calm even when things get rough.  

This all sounds GREAT.  But our real lives don't always work out that great, do they?  Mine doesn't at least.  It is hard not to just get discouraged, don't you think?   It is also easy to get offended, HELLO, we usually KNOW when we are doing something we shouldn't!  I know that the absolute last thing I need when I am down and out and screwing up is somebody to take the time to say, 

"Man, you are totally doing that all wrong.  You better work on that."

Gee, thanks.  

But I think we should keep going.  Keep striving for perfection.  Keep trying to improve.  Keep forgiving ourselves when we fall short.  All the while hoping that little by little we will get better and overcome our weaknesses.  

(And for me, I keep hoping that my kids won't remember much before the age of ten except for awesome stuff about cookies and hugs.  I mean, you want your kids to be smart, but not TOO smart.  Then they just remember stuff you would rather forget.)

Peace out mamas-
I think we can do it.  


 

My Shift Ends At 8pm

Why doesn't this happen in my house?  WHY?!

If you HAPPEN to be walking past my house around 8pm and you hear screaming from within, please don't call the police.  Really.  Please.

I am really starting to understand my mother's point of view as time goes on.  I remember her saying that she lived out in the country so that nobody noticed when she yelled at her kids.  (Was she kidding?  I really am not sure....)

I jokingly tell the kids that my shift lasts from 7am until 8pm.  That gives me a good 13 hours of mom duty before I get to clock out.  If the kids insist on being awake after 8pm,  SANITY is a bonus, NOT a guarantee.  (Do you find it annoying that I capitalize things all the time?  Because I just love it.)

Anyway, back to me. 

So, you are walking past my house.  On any given night you might hear me shouting (by an open window of course because I am an idiot and don't think about stuff like this until I notice neighbors staring and also because the kitchen sink is by a window) you might hear me yelling,
"GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!!!!  DO YOU WANT THEM TO FALL OUT LIKE YOUR FATHER'S????"

Or of course, an oldie but a goodie, "MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE IF YOU DON'T PUT ON YOUR DIAPER RIGHT THIS SECOND!!!!!!

Another one of my favorites, "IF YOU DON'T GO BACK IN YOUR ROOM I AM GOING TO DO SOMETHING AWFUL THAT I HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF YET BUT I AM THINKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW!!!!"

Did I mention that I live with my mother-in-law (who I think hates me, but really, who can blame her)?  Did I also mention that it is quite possible that my husband is playing MS PAC MAN while this is all going in.  (Ms Pac Man because, of course, he is a feminist.  Of course.)

Some days I think that if I make it through the day without physical violence I should just get a straight shot to heaven.  Does anybody else feel that way?  ANYBODY?!!!

Other days I think that I am going to burn in a fiery (but hopefully SILENT) hell for the rest of eternity.

Anyway, if you happen to be walking by and you hear me shouting I just want to try to convince you that I am not always a horrible person.  I guess being a horrible person some of the time may qualify me for horrible person status, but I am hoping it is more of a percentage deal.  Like I pass if I am a good person 71% of the time.  Hopefully.

Today, during the day these things happened:

-Somebody brushed the dog with a person brush.  (We don't actually have a CLEAN dog.  Just so you  know.  I think he is itchy.  And I can really only be expected to keep my children clean, the dog has got to fend for himself.)

-Found underwear on the counter in the bathroom.  Dirty.  Not mine.  Not a child's.  (No more details will be provided.)

-Took the kids to swim lessons.  Listened to one of the children complain the whole way about having to walk.  (Yes I realize that kids have shorter legs and they get tired.  I have to tell you though, this particular kid really enjoys complaining non-stop.  You are going to have to take my word for it.  Ironically, looking at this post, it really annoys me to hear somebody else complain non-stop.)  Seriously, swim lessons are fun and they always have energy DURING them!  WHAT THE?!

-I got mad at my husband about something.  Not sure what it was but I am pretty sure it was his fault.

-Water dumped on the floor.

-Lots of urine.

-Poop juice.  (I don't really want to describe this.  Let's just say it is a phrase we use in our house a lot and today it involved a baby playing in the dog water and then getting her diaper removed....)

-Did I mention I have stretch marks?

-Fighting amongst the kids.  (Yes, upon reflection I realize that my kids fight with one another because I suck in some way and am constantly modeling imperfect behavior as opposed to perfect/awesome/non-violent/monk behavior. 

-My almost three year old screaming NO!!!!!! at every and any thing I asked her to do.  (No she does not eat food coloring.  She didn't even have sugar today.)

-One of the kids broke a brand new thing that my mother-in-law bought for herself.  We will add this to the list of: antiques, washing machine, dryer, trampoline, baseboards, etc.

When I look at this list even I have to admit that it doesn't seem like that big of a deal.  I mean, what is my problem?  Honestly, I don't know.  But this much I do know:  My sanity has about a 12 hour window.  If you would like to push me farther than that there is a very good chance that something unpleasant will shake loose.  You may be able to hear it come loose from the street.

I think I need to move to the country.


I really want to be one of those bloggers with four children who can gush about kind communication and patience and talking it out.  But I really don't understand how it works.  How do you get to the ragged end of a long day and handle with grace and dignity the horror that is bedtime?  I really don't know. 

I am kind of hoping that other mother's suck at bedtime too and also freak out at the end of the day and need a moment of silence to themselves.  I hope this doesn't make me a bad mom, but really, maybe it does.  I hope the kids remember some of the times I am kind and patient throughout the day.

Maybe I should just practice my game face and being a better liar!  I would be dishonest but I would sure look better.  Plus, I should probably shut the windows.  Sound sure does carry out of an open window.

Peace out mamas-

May your bedtimes be peaceful, pleasant, and smell like lavender. 

Calling All Pregnant Bloggers!!!!!

 OK ladies-

You may have noticed I am working a lot with Birth Boot Camp on their board of directors and as a teacher trainer lately.  So excited to be part of this company!  Have I mentioned that?!

Anyway-

Our teacher trainings are crazy popular and filling up fast (see you in September!  And November!), but we also want to focus on getting some reviews for the online birth classes.  So, if you are a pregnant blogger and would like to take a couple focused online class- now is your big chance.  

There is nothing else out there like Birth Boot Camp.  We give you tools for a natural birth anywhere you wish to have it, we focus on preparing both partners for the process, and we have the absolute most comprehensive breastfeeding instruction in the business.  

Here are the details:

The blogger is expected to write a review within about 3 months of when they sign up.  There are 10 classes and they are intended to be watched with your partner about once a week. 

To get people to do the review we are doing a big discount- the class is normally $295 but for the blogger reviewers the cost is $150.  This includes 3 months access to the classes and birth videos, relaxation downloads, a comprehensive workbook, a detailed breastfeeding DVD by our resident lactation consultant and lots of other awesome stuff I can't think of right now.  I always charge around 300 for classes so I think it is a good deal for great class. 

When you post your review we would love to know about it!  I will share it on the Mama Birth page, we will share on the Birth Boot Camp FB page and Donna (our founder) will share it on Banned from Baby Showers on Facebook.

Another thing you could do if you wish is sign up as an affiliate- 

The info for that is here.

With your blog post and the group at Birth Boot Camp promoting and sharing your post, hopefully you will get some traffic and maybe some sales-  The affiliates get $75 every time somebody buys a class through their link.  

This is a great way to get a good deal on a class and drive some traffic to your own blog.  You can e-mail me if you are interested and I will hook you up-

mamabirth09 (at) yahoo (dot) com

A Canadian VBAC - A VBAC Interview

How incredible is it that this mom didn't really have to "fight" for her VBAC.  I hope that this is more the case in more places in the near future.  Our care provider and their attitude makes such a difference.

Enjoy!

-So, I would love for you to first give a brief rundown of your first birth/s and what you feel like happened and why you had a c-section.

My first baby was a c/section for breech presentation at 39 weeks.  I was 24 years old and didn't know much about birth, except that I wanted natural births and a big family.  I was disappointed that I had a cesarean, but not devastated.  I planned to VBAC from the moment my OB broke the news to me about needing a cesarean.  [note: since then, the breech birth approach has changed in Canada, where I live, and more women are having breech vaginal deliveries]

-What made you desire a VBAC when they seem so hard to come by in the current obstetric climate?

In our obstetric climate in Canada VBACs are not as difficult to come by as they are in the U.S.A.  As a general rule, women are not particularly encouraged to VBAC but if a woman requests one, she can get it, in almost any maternity hospital.

However, most women do not want to VBAC because they believe their bodies are unable to give birth normally after giving birth by cesarean.  My body had not even had the chance to try and birth normally, so I had a deep desire to at least try.  My mother had three vaginal deliveries, two of them natural, and was (and still is) a granola type birth nut, so I learned my positive views on normal birth from her.  Also, all my aunts were hippies who had natural births so it seemed very normal to me.  Labor and delivery seemed like the ultimate womanly initiation or test, or journey to traverse, and I wanted to be a part of that.  I would have felt a part of that even if my attempt at VBAC was unsuccessful, because at least I had laboured and tried to give birth normally.

I also didn't care if my first VBAC was natural or where it took place; my goal was to push that baby out of my vagina.  Period.  I didn't care if I had an epidural, an episiotomy, or was directed to push while standing on my head, so long as I got a vaginal birth.  It turns out I didn't need the epidural, my midwife never did episiotomies, and of course she did not direct me to push in a headstand, so I had an all natural VBAC in the hospital.  It was awesome.

My second VBAC I was more particular, and I wanted a home birth.  I developed insulin dependant Gestational Diabetes, however, and thus delivered in hospital attended by my amazing midwife.  I spent most of that labour in the enormous hospital tub, and loved every minute of it.  That VBAC was very peaceful and beautiful, and even more awesome than my first one because I had already proved to myself that my body could do it, and I knew what it felt like from before.  Knowing what to expect made me feel stronger and more confident.

-How did you find a care provider who would support you?

I interviewed several midwives until I found one who  was a good fit for my personality and had a respectful, collaborative approach to helping women give birth.

-What was labor like for you?

My first VBAC I laboured 8 hours and then pushed for 3 hours, for a 12 hour total.  I used Hypnobirthing to help me relax into each contraction.  I had lots of fear, though.  I feared hospital germs.  I feared failure.  I feared exhaustion.  I feared making too much noise.  I feared pooping.  I feared fear!  I kept thinking, though, "This, too, shall pass," and that I had a wide circle of friends near and far who were praying for and rooting for me, and that was comforting.  I prayed lots, for continued strength.  My mom was there.  My midwives were awesome, and both there.  My husband was there.  They surrounded me with love and encouragement, and although those 3 hours of pushing were VERY discouraging, I managed!  And I even enjoyed giving birth.  I will say that during transition I was in the shower, and the final two or three contractions before pushing were so intense that I was banging my head against the shower stall rhythmically in order to cope.

My second VBAC I laboured 6 hours and then pushed for 1 hour, for a 7 hour total.  It was very peaceful, like I mentioned.  I used Hypnobirthing again, although the first time I used a visual head to toe relaxation tool and it didn't work the second time at ALL!  Instead I found counting backwards from 10 and relaxing twice as much with each number to be much more effective.  Also, that big tub at the hospital.  My midwife was awesome and sat in the bathroom on a stool, listening to my daughter's heartbeat and chatting quietly with me, my mom, and my husband while I laboured.  I got out of the tub to use the toilet and immediately got roaringly pushy!  I moved to the birthing stool and pushed on it for awhile until I got tired and requested to lie on my side in the bed.  My daughter was born just before 2 o'clock in the morning, and I held her uninterrupted for 2 hours before she was weighed, examined, diapered, and returned to me.  I cut my own cord.  It was double awesome.  I seriously enjoyed every minute.  Except maybe the pushing.  I really don't like pushing, it is way too much work.  =P

-What helped you VBAC?

My midwives, Hypnobabies, and my husband.  My second VBAC was hugely helped by my first VBAC experience.

-How did you prepare for your VBAC (was there anything you did differently)?

I read TONS of books on natural birth, including Ina May Gaskin, Sheila Kitzinger, and Dr Sears.  Also, Birthing From Within and Julia Mongan's Hypnobirthing.  I really liked the non focused awareness from BFW, it helped me a lot the second VBAC.

- Has the postpartum experience been different than your other birth/s?  What about it surprised you? 

YES!  

I had a spinal headache after my cesarean.  That gave me massive, crushing headaches whenever I was upright for 2 weeks after the birth, and vertigo (dizziness) for four months.  It took 3 months to get my energy anywhere near normal, and I still have some numbness around the scar 9 years later.

Recovery after my first VBAC was slow.  My baby was big, and had some shoulder dystocia, and I tore pretty badly.  My tissues were swollen and that took at least 8 to 10 weeks to disappear.  It also took a TON of energy out of me, for weeks and weeks.  It felt like I had run three marathons back to back.  But it was way better than recovering from major surgery.
And (prepare yourself for too much information), I was surprised that sex was WAY better after my VBAC than it had ever been before!  Something about stretch receptors being activated or something.  It is still better.  Like, wow; no one ever talks about that as a possibility.  I would say that although that recovery was long, it was still easier and more natural for my body to cope with, compared to recovering from my cesarean.

Recovery after my second VBAC was about 2 weeks.  I had a small amount of tearing, but nothing substantial.  I had significant afterpains, but otherwise less bleeding than either prior birth, and a far more comfortable a recovery period.  A few days of ice and two weeks of rest and I was back to my old self.

I loved my VBACs.  I'm so grateful I had them, and am grateful for the chance to talk about them!  Thank you!!  =)

Home Birth After C-Section- A VBAC Story

Oh my goodness- what a great story!  This story shows how dedication and a great birth team are so VERY important for a VBAC mama.  Love it.  Learn from it.  Read it!

Plus these are some AMAZING pictures!  

Enjoy!

-So, I would love for you to first give a brief rundown of your first birth/s and what you feel like happened and why you had a c-section.

My first two births were completely natural, first born in the hospital and the second born at a birth  center. My third birth was to be a natural birth center birth. I was 41 weeks and my midwife suspected baby was big. She tried starting labor using a foley, castor oil and breast pump. It did the trick and I was well in to active labor within hours. Around 10 hours I was stuck at 9 1/2 cm and she broke my water. After that my natural birth was history. She discovered that baby was posterior. We tried pushing in different positions, but nothing could move him in to the birth canal at that point. We waited a few hours hoping he'd turn with no luck. We finally headed to the hospital for a c-section. (He was 10lbs 1oz) For a long time I thought it was his size that lead to my c/s. I now believe it was breaking my water with him posterior. Had my water been intact he would of had a better chance at turning into a better position to fit. And I do think he would have.

-What made you desire a VBAC when they seem so hard to come by in the current obstetric climate?

I am a passionate natural childbirther. From the moment he was born I knew I'd fight my heart out to have a VBAC with my next. I was sad for a very long time about how my third little one entered this world. A VBAC was the only option for me.

-How did you find a care provider who would support you?

I luckily had just moved to North Teaxs (DFW area) when I found out we were pregnant with number four. There is a huge natural birth community with many amazing midwives who will do VBACs. I interviewed several that I liked and decided on the one I loved. It was a very easy process.

-What was labor like for you?

Painful. I felt like it was my most painful labor because of the pressure on my scar. But, it was my shortest and I know that was because of my fabulous birth team.

-What helped you VBAC?

My birth team, my husband and my determination to give my baby the best possible start. My midwife was so loving and supportive my entire pregnancy and labor. I had three midwives attend my birth, my amazing doula and my hubby. And of course a birth photographer to capture it all! :)

-How did you prepare for your VBAC (was there anything you did differently)?

I didn't do much. I knew my body was capable of a natural birth. I knew a natural birth was the best entrance for my baby. I knew this was the right choice for us. So, I didn't do a whole lot more than hire an amazing birth team. Around 40 weeks I did have a good cry about my previous c-section, allowed myself to think about what could go wrong and then sent all my sadness, worries and fear out into the Universe. I reminded myself that my body was meant to do this and that I had hired the right people to help make it happen.

-Describe your VBAC birth story. We would LOVE to hear about it!

(my birth story written 3 days after lil guy's birth)

My Dream birth and more...

Who says once a cesarean mom always a cesarean mom? Most of the medical community does. That's who. Well, in North Texas we have a huge natural birthing community who support moms who want to take charge of their bodies and take back their births. Luckily when I found out we were pregnant this time we had just moved here. But, where to start...

I posted on a natural moms board asking for advice on local midwives with VBAC experience and got one response. A woman named Maria gave me some great resources. I noticed in her signature that she was a doula and messaged her. A few days later we talked for hours and I had found my very experienced VBAC doula. First member of my "dream team". From there I knew I needed a very experienced midwife as I not only wanted a VBAC, I wanted it at home. Maria guided me some, there are A LOT of midwives in the area and a handful that fit the bill. I narrowed it down to three and started interviews. The first two were so sweet and had plenty of experience, but there was a third I wanted to meet. Problem was she was currently in another country for another 6 weeks. I asked Maria about her and as it turned she had worked with her many times and raved about her midwifery abilities....especially as a VBAC MW. So I decided to email her, Sarah, my c/s story. She responded the next day and we chatted back and forth for a few days. I made an appt to meet her when she returned to the states. It only took 15 minutes of talking to know she was absolutely our midwife. And so Sarah became the second member of our dream team bringing her birth assistant, Gina, and a fellow midwife, Angela, along. Both amazing midwives as well. Kyska, our chiropractor, was added in my third trimester and Keri, our talented birth photographer, was added at the recommendation of Sarah. So you have it. My "dream team" was formed.

On to the birth. This past Friday evening I started getting regular contractions. Nothing painful, uncomfortable at best, but finally regular. 30 seconds long, 5 minutes apart. I knew early labor had begun. My mom got into town around 9:30 that night and Christian (my oldest) got back from Florida about 11:30. We all hung out for a bit and then decided to get some sleep as we knew we had a long day of laboring ahead. Unfortunately, by the time we went off to bed I was heading into active labor. By 2am my contractions were a minute long and about 3 minutes apart. I called Chris at work to come home and began laboring on my own. At 4am I knew it was time to call Maria. She arrived an hour later and by then Chris was home and my mom was up with us. I was exhausted as I hadn't slept yet. Maria helped me get into a position that was not only comfortable (as comfy as you can be during labor) but where I could sleep in between contractions. My contractions spaced out to 6 mins apart, which allowed some rest, but were increasingly painful. Over the next few hours active labor intensified. Maria made the call to Sarah.

We had our birth pool blown up and filled in the center of our room (I had already been in it once for pain relief), my diffuser was blowing out relaxing scents of lavender, lights were off and the room was lit with candles. Everyone worked together in whispers. Sarah decided to check the baby after monitoring his/her heartbeat and feeling that s/he wasn't in an ideal position for birthing. She was able to tell just by feeling his/her head that it was slightly transverse. That's when the fun really began (insert sarcasm). It was time to try some creative positioning and visualization to get baby to turn his/her head. Painful? Beyond words. But, I had a mantra I repeated in my head during every contraction. "I've done this before, I can do this again". Gina checked baby's heartbeat and s/he had moved!! Baby was squarely head down and low! Incredible. Once I started bearing down at the ends of the contractions, they moved me to the birthing tub.

Ahhh....the blessed birthing tub. I was in transition at this point, most excruciating stage, but the one that almost brings you face to face with your baby. The tub provided some relief and I was able to breathe and visualize myself (now using the mantra "we're almost done. My baby's almost here") into relaxation. I fell asleep in between contractions as Chris sat outside the tub on the birthing ball at my head holding my hands and Maria sat by my side pouring water over my belly whispering encouraging words. The rest of my team sat around the tub quietly supporting me. I naturally felt the need to bear down during these contractions. Someone from my team suggested I turn onto my knees to give baby that last bit of encouragement needed to move him/her down. I turned over, wrapped my arms around Chris's arms and with the next contraction felt the urge to push. Sarah encouraged me to do whatever felt right. As I began to push I told her I felt the baby was coming out. She confirmed I was "pushing out the bag"...I didn't get it at that moment, but I soon found out what she meant.

Meantime Gina went to get my mom, mother-in-law and kids to prepare to see baby's arrival. She kept them just outside the door as I went through a few more contractions pushing baby down.

Next thing I knew everyone was in the room and there was an awe from my team as baby came out. He was in his caul!! I was told to reach down and grab my baby. I sat up, letting go of Chris' arms and reached into the water pulling up my baby that I fought so hard to bring into the world. Naturally. Peacefully. Calmly. He had broken himself out of his caul. I held him tight against my chest and began to cry. I did it. I had successfully VBAC'ed at home. In the water. With my most loved ones watching. (Pushing lasted 14 mins)

It's a BOY!! Finley River for my little water born st Patty's Day baby!

Finn and I hung out in the water for awhile while cameras flashed and we got to meet face to face. The excitement in the room was unreal. My birth team and I were riding a MAJOR birth high. We finally moved to the bed. Once the umbilical cord stopped pulsating Chris cut it.

The mood in the room was so charged. Everyone was smiling, compliments to each other and talks of the birth were flying about and with my new baby in my arms, my husband by my side, the three of us laying in bed together; I broke out into a full on cry. I told my team that this birth was beyond my dream birth. That I had always wanted a home birth, I always wanted a water birth, I always wanted a birth with my other children present. But since my c/s I wanted these things even more. I wanted to take back my body. I wanted to take back my birth experience. I wanted to feel empowered. I wanted a VBAC. I'm quite certain I was not the only one in tears or in awe of what sheer determination, trust in the birth process and a team of insanely talented birth professionals can accomplish.

Once Finn and my vitals had been taken and we were both wrapped in clean, warm towels, everyone left the room so Chris, Finn and I could have some time together. It wasn't long before one by one our other littles came in the room. They had so beautifully and quietly witnessed the miracle of birth only a short time ago and couldn't wait to shower their new brother with love and kisses. We all hung out in bed marveling over this perfect new family member. The grandmas were next in to proudly look on as our family sat in bed together. Complete.

After our bonding time Finn was ready for his newborn exam and I was helped to the bathroom to get cleaned up. They had run a candle lit herbal bath for me that I got to share with Finley once his exam was over. I could hear the flash of Keri's camera going crazy, but not a peep from little guy. He took it all in so calmly. They put him in the tub with me where he happily floated on his back, still bright eyed with not an ounce of unhappiness. We hung out in the tub for awhile with Chris watching over us. My team busily emptied the birth pool, stripped my bed down to clean bedding and made it up for us and straightened up the room.

Dressed and back in a warm and clean bed it was time to get Finn's stats and get him dressed. The kids and grandmas watched on as Chris weighed Finn. 9lbs 7oz. We were all shocked at how big he was...he didn't seem *that* big looking at him. Sarah did the rest of his measurements laughing at how big his head was.... We assured her it was because his brain was so big and smart. :) Then found out he was 21 inches long. After he was done being sized up I got to dress him. We all laughed as I tried to put his hat on him but it was too small for his big head! Okay, Sarah was right. :)

Soon the room was spotless. You'd be surprised a birth had taken place only a couple hours before. Keri got pictures of Finn with all the different, awesome ladies in my birth team and then a group photo. Lots of hugs went around and then they were gone. My dream team had done what they promised. They came into this birth prepared, knowledgeable, supportive and loving. I thanked them as best I could, though I'm not sure I could ever truly thank them for helping me get the birth I so badly wanted....my dream birth.

In honor of our little St Patrick's Day baby, an Irish blessing....

May the sun shine, all day long,
everything go right, and nothing wrong.
May those you love bring love back to you,
and may all the wishes you wish come true!

- Has the postpartum experience been different than your other birth/s? What about it surprised you?

It was similar to my first two vaginal births in that the recovery was quite easy and quick. The difference this time is I had an overwhelming feeling of peace. I finally had peace in my heart for the first time in two years following my c-section. And I was thankful for that experience even. Had I not gone through that c-section I wouldn't of had the moment of catching my baby boy after a VBAC and knowing "I DID IT". I DID IT! I birthed my baby the way nature intended even though most of the medical community said I could not. It provided for the happiest postpartum I have ever had.

Against All Odds- A Home VBA2C!!!

 

I love these stories!  Women REALLY are going against the odds when they VBAC, especially after multiple c-sections.  I love her wisdom and her triumph!  You know what else?  I love that she admits that a VBAC or a home birth isn't necessarily serene and easy and just candles and rainbows.  It can be hard too, it can hurt too, it can require recovery too.  Guess what- it is still worth it.  Beautiful pictures too-

Enjoy! 

 

-So, I would love for you to first give a brief rundown of your first birth/s and what you feel like happened and why you had a c-section.
 

My first section was supposed to be natural hynobabies birth. Instead it was a section a result of a terrible OB and a failed induction. At 30 weeks my blood pressure readings went up and they stayed up until 36 weeks when she informed me that I was preeclamptic and scheduled an induction for 38 weeks. Every fiber of my being was against the induction but we had been scared into thinking that we would be endangering our baby if we went against it. I labored for 48 hours on pitocin as high as it could go with no pain meds. Got an epidural for the last 6 hours due to sheer exhaustion and still never dilated past 3 cm. Since my water had been broken for 2 days they told me I had no choice but to have a section and so they wheeled me to the OR while I cried.This section's recovery was insanely hard for me. Hormonally I was a mess. All I wanted to do was sit on the floor naked, crying trying to get my hungry baby to latch onto my breast. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to leave my house. I hardly even wanted to speak. I felt damaged in every possible way. It took at least two months for me to feel like a human being again.  Later, I found out that I never had any protein in my urine or edema or any other signs or symptoms of pre-eclampsia aside from the elevated pressure readings. I also learned that those readings were just at the high end of normal. I learned that blood pressures for people over 200 pounds (which I definitely was at 30 weeks) are supposed to be taken with a large cuff to prevent false high readings. I learned that my  OB  was scheduled for vacation the week of my due date. I learned that her c-section rate was one of the highest in town.  I learned that she diagnosed me with CPD in my records instead of saying that it was a failed induction. I learned and I learned and I learned and I used it all to fuel my passion for taking back my birth. 

My second section was with a much better OB but also unnecessary. I planned a VBAC and my doc was supportive. I went into labor at 40 weeks (on my due date) and labored at home for 10 hours. When we went to the hospital and I labor for another 4 hours before they called my OB in to check me because they were having difficulty keeping baby's heartones on the monitors. He checked me then requested an ultrasound machine. I couldn't even look at the screen because I knew what was coming...baby flipped frank breech and neither he nor the hospital "allowed" breech babies to be born vaginally. And so they wheeled me off to the OR again crying.

-What made you desire a VBAC when they seem so hard to come by in the current obstetric climate?
I had always wanted a natural birth and I knew (from all my research and instincts) that it was better. Better for me, better for baby. It was the way it was supposed to be. The way God designed us. I had read so many encouraging and inspiring stories on here, the Birth Without Fear blog and Mama Faith so I knew it could be done. And I knew it NEEDED to be done for my own healing.

-How did you find a care provider who would support you? 

 

For my first VBAC attempt the OB I changed to was very supportive of my "trial of labor" so that was not a problem at all. It was trying to find someone to "allow" me to VBA2C that proved to be crazy difficult. I called every OB in my town and three surrounding towns (including the biggest city in our state), a Birth Center and every midwife in our town. No luck. Until I got a return phone call from one midwife in my town who said that she wanted to hear my story before she turned me away. She told me that she felt very strongly that I could have a successful vaginal birth after 2 prior c/sections (and with Von Willebrands, a mild bleeding disorder) and that despite it being illegal for her to attend my birth (due to state laws against home birth after multiple sections) she was going to take me a her client. She was my angel.

-What was labor like for you? 

 

It was intense and the only labor I've ever known is ridiculous back labor and this was no exception. At one point during my labor I told DH that I wanted to go to the hospital, that I needed pain meds and that I couldn't do it. Luckily for me he was the voice of reason and told me that I could do it and that I would regret it if we left. Good thing another contraction distracted me and when I looked at the clock again it had been hours. The thought of having to labor in the car without DH putting counter pressure on my back was also a big deterrent for me. I labored quietly because coping with contractions required me to go completely inside myself. But when the pushing started it was a whole other story. I made sounds no human ever has. Loud sounds. The pushing (3 hours of pushing) was uncontrollable and intense. And every second was worth it.

-What helped you VBAC?

 

My husband and my midwife. Just kidding. But really they were the biggest support for me and without either of them I don't know that I would have had the mental/emotional strength to fight for it. Other than that I just tried to continuously read encouraging positive stories about successful VBAMC and home births. I needed to keep reminding myself that why I wanted it and reinforce the fact that it was the right decision for me and my baby.

-How did you prepare for your VBAC (was there anything you did differently)?

 

I actually did a lot LESS than I did with my other two births. I didn't take any classes or read any books or do any strange exercises. I read a lot of encouraging stories about VBAMC and I prayed a lot. It was mostly about feeling confident in my decision to home birth. My midwifery care was probably the biggest difference from OB care the first two times. We used nothing but homeopathics, I started eating a much cleaner diet and I just enjoyed being pregnant.

-Describe your VBAC birth story.  We would LOVE to hear about it!

At 40 weeks 3 days (or 39 weeks 6 days according to early ultrasound and ovulation) my labor began. The night of the 7th we got home from church around 7:30 and I started having pretty strong contractions about 6-7 minutes apart. I timed them until we decided to go bed around 10:30. At around 11 they suddenly seemed much closer so I started timing them again and they were already 3 minutes apart. I knew it was the real thing so I thought I should probably call my midwife and let her know. As expected, the back labor set in and I needed tons of counter pressure to help take the edge off. My midwife arrived and after this the details get a little fuzzy, all I know is that I labored. I labored in the shower until I couldn’t stand up anymore. I labored kneeling at my bed. I labored in the bath tub with my midwife talking to me through each contraction. I labored and I prayed. Five hours in I told Dustin that I needed pain meds. I told him that if we went to the hospital they could not FORCE me to have a c/section, that I would have to sign for it. I told him I couldn’t do it, that it hurt too much and I wasn’t even at the “hard part”. He told me that I *could* do it and that I was just psyching myself out. He said that I would regret it and that if I left the house I was going to have a c/section. He said he would support me whatever I wanted to do and that if I wanted to leave we should tell my midwife so we could get going. So he called her upstairs and I told her what I was feeling. She told me if we left the house it would be a minimum of 2-3 hours before I could get an epidural but if I wanted to go we would go. I was scared. I was really scared I couldn’t do it. I was scared it was going to get harder and we were going to end up transferring anyways. I don’t know what really changed my mind but I know the thought of having to labor in the car was a huge deterrent for me and I really didn’t want to disappoint Dustin and my midwife. I don’t remember making the decision to stay, I think I just got distracted with another contraction and when I saw the clock again it had been hours. I do remember repeating to myself “replace fear with faith, replace fear with FAITH”.  They filled the birth pool and I continued (and would end) my labor in there. I have no idea what time it was but my midwife checked me and I was 8 cm dilated. That was exciting for both Dustin and me to hear since I’d never been past 4 cm. Very encouraging. I don’t know how much longer it was before I started having the urge to push. My midwife told me to listen to my body and if I felt like I needed to push, push. I started pushing at about 8:15 am. My body’s reflex to push was beyond that of anything I’ve ever felt. My quiet coping turned into incredible, uncontrollable, animal-like sounds that even now I am surprised came from me. Dustin told me later that he thought the neighbors might call the police because it was so loud. My back was on fire and nothing was helping. I just leaned over the edge of the pool, fought back the urge to vomit, begged Dustin not to stop putting pressure on my back and pushed with everything I had. I pushed for over an hour then I sat up and said “I need help”. When I said it I was fully expecting to be told that *I* had to do and no one could help me but instead my midwife didn’t miss a beat and with the next contraction she told me to push longer and without vocalizing and then she reached down and “helped me” (it felt like she was stretching me but she says she was applying counter pressure to the baby’s head and so the baby’s head was actually what was stretching me). Dustin reminded me how close I was and she told me to push exactly like I had just done again and she helped me again. I could feel progress being made! Three or four (or a hundred, it seemed) more pushes like that and baby’s head was finally out. I couldn’t believe it. I just wanted to rest my back so badly but they told me that it wouldn't stop hurting until the baby was out. So with the next contraction I mustered all my strength and I pushed one more time. The rest of my beautiful baby girl came flying out (“torpedoed” in Dustin’s words). I turned around and picked my baby up out of the water and held her to my chest. She was here and amazing and in MY arms. I did it. I pushed her out. Praise God. Brooklyn Jane was born at home in the water after 2 c/sections. She was my fastest labor (about 12 hours) and my biggest baby weighing 8 pounds 9 ounces and 20.5 inches long.  My back finally started to relax and I got out of the tub and onto the bed still holding my girl. I started to cramp and pass a lot of clots and blood and my midwife was getting concerned because the placenta was not coming. After 45 minutes, I delivered the placenta and everyone started to calm down. Until I passed more huge clots and blood. I was feeling a ton of pressure still, so much that I couldn’t move my legs. I had lost pretty much all color and was hardly able to hold Brooklyn. I passed yet another set of clots and at that moment Dustin, the midwife and I simultaneously said it was time to go. Dustin called the fire station (his crew was on shift) and the ambulance arrived and they carried me downstairs in the stretcher. The ride to the hospital was kind of blurry but I remember they went to close the doors after they loaded me up and I said “NO! Dustin is coming” and he climbed up with Brooklyn in his arms and we were off. They started IV’s and got me checked in. I was checked (very painfully, despite them being gentle) by three nurses until they figured out that the reason I was experiencing so much pressure was because I had a very large hematoma (bruise filled with blood, about 7 cm by 5 cm) on the right side of my vaginal wall. I also had a pretty deep second degree tear from the delivery and had already lost about 1600 cc’s of blood. They got me into surgery pretty quickly and had to open up the hematoma, drain it, then pack it to stop the bleeding and they also stitched up my tear. There was another 200 cc’s of blood in the hematoma and after the surgery I was told that my blood levels were critically low so I would have to have a transfusion (two bags, with a third discussed). All went well and I am recovering. Slowly, but everyday is better. It was not exactly the serene, romanticized homebirth experience I had envisioned but it was also more intense, empowering and healing than I ever imagined. It was attitude-adjusting and life-changing for me. Even with the complications, I feel transformed and very, very happy, blessed and at peace. Honestly, I would take my homebirth (that some might even call traumatic) 100 times over another section and I am and will forever be beyond grateful for my incredible, selfless midwife. I am more in love with my husband that I have ever been. I know I could not have made it through any of this without him. He is the most incredible man I know. I am truly, truly content for the first time in a long time. And mostly I feel an overwhelming love for my children. They are amazing little beings that God has entrusted to me and I am so proud to call them mine. My heart is full. All praise and glory to the Father. He designed me for birth and He gave me the strength to follow HIS birth plan. He is so good.

- Has the postpartum experience been different than your other birth/s?  What about it surprised you?

Because I lost so much blood and was extremely anemic, the recovery was not just super easy. It took me awhile to have normal energy again and I needed help with 3 littles under 4 because it was a challenge to even wash my hair. But physically I hurt a lot less despite having a 2nd degree tear and the surgery for the hematoma. And honestly the absolute worst part of this recovery was bowel movements because of the hemorrhoids I got from pushing and the pressure I still felt from the hematoma.  I still felt well enough to go to a closing on our new home 4 days after she was born, two days out of the hospital. Emotionally I felt about a million times better than after my sections and I would take my home birth experience 100 times again over another section (despite it being what some people might call "traumatic"). Nursing has been great (11 months and still going strong) and my milk came in much earlier than with the other two babes and had absolutely no latch problems like I did with the other two.  And our beautiful Brooklyn Jane is the most peaceful, happy baby I have ever seen. People constantly comment on how happy and sweet she is and i always just get a crazy goofy grin because I want to shout "SHE WAS BORN AT HOME AFTER TWO C/SECTIONS!"

 

If you would like more details about this mom's journey you can find more below-

First c/s story...

http://birthrightmama.blogspot.com/2011/09/jacksons-birth.html

Second c/s story...

http://birthrightmama.blogspot.com/2011/09/mackennas-birth.html

Hba2C story...

http://birthrightmama.blogspot.com/2011/12/brooklyn-jane-ballew-september-8-2011.html

And my home birth photos on FB...

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.690399452291.2160027.49000633&type=3&l=517e6850b3

Youtube video of my journey to HVA2C...

http://youtu.be/S9oTdnjXQ_A