Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Of COURSE My Child Is Potty Trained! (Theoretically Speaking)

I had this absolutely FABULOUS post on feminism and housewives in my head today.  Really, genius.  I was set on impressing all my readers with my tender yet decisive perspectives.

Then, I decided I should re-open my Facebook account.

I closed my personal account a while back hoping it would keep my life more in balance, yield a cleaner floor, and of course, better behaved children.  I am surprised I kept it closed for as long as I did, because really, Facebook is like Crack to me.  Cheap, accessible, basically awesome.  (I have never done Crack.  Nor do I think that Crack is actually funny.)

But today I decided to open back up the old account and see how my friends from high school and all that were doing without me.  So I start browsing....

"Aww...she had a baby!  How sweet!  They moved?  Who knew?  I hope everything is going fine for them....."

Meanwhile....

Suddenly I realize that my two middle children (the four year old and the two year old) are both in the bathroom together.  I open the door.


Good GOSH!  

The four year old was using the toilet so the two year old, who needed to go, just went ahead and dropped a deuce on the floor.  (That is slang for number two or going poop.  I know.  Me so hip.)  The two year old was doing some yoga pose in front of her pile and the four year old was really quite amused. 

I actually couldn't handle that sight at the moment so I closed the door.

BIG mistake.  (For future reference, this is mistake number two, the first mistake being re-opening the Facebook account.  You might want to keep track.)

When I have gathered myself I open the door.

Things have gone down hill rapidly.  The four year old needed to get past the yoga posing toddler and "accidentally" pushed her over.  Into.... you guessed it.  The deuce.

"Don't worry mom.  I will clean it up!"

(I am just going to leave out the things I said right then because I would prefer you think of me in glowing "she has it all together terms" rather than the reality that is me.)

 Then, mistake number three- I let her clean it up.  I actually walked away to do something.

It is like I have never met a child before, you know?  I mean WHAT experienced mother WALKS AWAY from a child cleaning feces?

This one.

I return to find (in no particular order):

~Screaming two year old.  She doesn't enjoy her sister "cleaning" the poo off her back.

~A rag rubbing the remaining stuff around on the floor.  You want to really spread it around, right?!

~Poop in the sink.  Yes.  The sink.  Forgive me if the words, "HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ME PUT POOP IN THE SINK?!" escaped my lips.

(As an aside, this is one of those moments when being committed to "peaceful parenting" is actually a good thing.  Because if you are one of those parents for whom hitting your kids with a hose {I hear they exist} is on the table, you would be sorely tempted to use that method right now.  Luckily, that is NOT on the table.  Yelling however, is.)

Off to the shower.  Early showers tonight!

Don't worry, I learned a few things from this encounter.

1)  Facebook is not my friend.  It actually makes my life more complicated. 

2)  My ridiculed decision to avoid family cloth at all costs was the RIGHT decision.  Yeah, the "washable rag" that was used in this whole endeavor is now on the curb in a garbage bag.  Good riddance!!!!!

3)  There are some jobs for which my earth friendly, so natural you could drink it, distilled vinegar spray cleanser, just doesn't do the job.  The chemicals found their way back into my life for a brief moment.  You will be glad if you ever come over.

4)  There is pretty much nothing that can't be improved with cheesecake.  Yes, I feel better after my cheesecake.  Much better. 

5)  Last but not least, NEVER tell anybody how early your kids potty train.  It will come back to haunt you.  I repeat, it will come back to haunt you.  No potty training bragging. 

Afterword-

I appreciate any well meaning comments about how I should "Never take my eyes off the kids" (I know mom, you mentioned it before) or tirades about how my two year old isn't ready for potty training (potty TEACHING, excuse me) or anything like that.  I am committed to my claim that she is in fact potty trained despite all evidence to the contrary.  This was an example of venting.  I don't want advice. 

Good day!


16 comments:

Tofu Mom (AKA Tofu-n-Sprouts) said...

Funniest thing I've read today but OH HOW I CAN RELATE!!
I had one of those children who pooped in the display toilet at the Home Hardware store. Yes, that was us. (Well, not ME!)
And another who tried the cat litter box out to see how THAT worked (not nearly as well for a two-year-old as for a cat, I promise).
Last, in one of my more "Holy and Proud" moments at church, I was standing rapturously in the congregation with my perfectly quiet, perfectly dressed children as we sang a glorious hymn - I felt holy and perfect ... and smug at the way we were all lined up there... God must have a sense of humor however. To my horror, I discovered my toddler had dropped her fancy lacy pants and PEED ON THE CHURCH PEW BEHIND ME as I sang away obliviously...She announced it LOUDLY just as the last notes died away and the whole church paused in reverent silence...
This was all many years ago.
Many years.

Maggie said...

LOL!!!

Maggie said...

LOL!!!

Alisha Stamper said...

Enjoyed the laugh. Thanks!

MandaRoo said...

HAHA! That is AWESOME. We aren't to potty training yet, but my mom likes to tell a story about my sister who potty trained early and pooed in a display potty in sears. Then on the way to tell the store associates told every person that "I pooped!" And would try and stop people and tell them again until they acted happy for her.

Kiddos will be kiddos! :)

(And mad props, I probably would have cried or laughed uncontrollably!)

July said...

Just found your blog and am now bleary eyed and neck cricked from devouring your hilarious and very honest words on mothering and birth. You said all the thing I felt I couldn't! And thoroughly entertained along the way!

Megan Jackson said...

I posit that your 2 year old is both potty trained and logical. She had to go, she knew not to go in her pants. She knows that that is what the bathroom is for. The toilet was occupied. So she used a different part of the bathroom. See very logical. And hopefully I will remember this story if my little one ever offers to clean anything as a pre-schooler.

Sara said...

We did EC....so I have so many poop stories!! My daughter did stop pooping in her diaper/underwear very early (around 13 months), but we had some really disgusting experiences. i think my brain has blocked out most of them.

This new baby is two days overdue right now, but since we're having a boy I'm expecting even more of those kinds of episodes...

The Quinns said...

Oh my! That's a good one! Thanks for starting my day with a huge laugh! My three year old has been potty trained for a year but a couple of weeks ago while her father is of course out of town and I'm rushing out the door to a party I'm hosting I'm kissing her good bye as she eats dinner while the babysitter feeds the baby and I smell it. Poop. Thru a series of probing questions I find out she has pooped in her play tent upstairs while I was getting dressed. The fact that I saw her shortly after with no pants or panties was not a tip off-I had asked about her partial nudity but she just told me she went potty and didn't want to wear them anymore. I had convinced her to go put panties on and then given her supper. No, I didn't make her wash her hands before I fed her-I was hurrying, remember? So I haul her off to the bath and proceed to give her the most passive aggressive angry cleaning in the history of bathing then stick her back in front of her meal. Go upstairs and find said poop in said tent where she had pushed it off to the side with one of the pillows off my 3 week old couch, lovely. It was like a when a caged animal isn't let out to poop do they do it in the corner. Ugh. It's found it's way into a couple of toys in the tent as well. Armed with paper towels (not very earth friendly but they are from recycled materials) and highly toxic chemicals-you betcha poop=need for bleach, I clean it up. Toss the toys in a bleach bath in the laundry room sink to wait on my return, put the couch pillows on the counter in laundry room to dry post hot water spraying but honestly can't figure out what to do with them yet so they just got to wait. Scrub my own hands until they are chapped and go face the perpetrator to remind her I do in fact love her but am very disappointed blah blah- this portion of the evening did involve some gentle parenting and I gave myself points for leaving on a good note. Then I left to go drink wine at the party and pray I didn't smell poop again that night. Oh and her reasoning was that she needed to go but just didn't want to leave her fun tent so she went there and wiped with her pants. Fabulous.

Teni said...

*shoves hands over ears*

LALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

I refuse to let my brain take in what I just read (comments and all) because I refuse to believe that once I've toilet trained my daughter I'll have to clean up poo anyway. Never mind that both my brothers pooed their pants faaaaar longer than they should have...

LALALALALALALA...

(Hilarious story, by the by. Hope you're not all too traumatised heehee)

Vickis_Divine_Kitchen said...

I can't stop laughing!! Ah hahahaha! ( and it's the silent kind of laughter with shaking because there's a one year old sleeping in my lap)

Ps, love the church story! Whenever I start feeling that pride, God sure does remind me of a thing or two too-- glad it's not just me

AmberLou said...

Laughed so hard I hurt myself. Thanks :)

Becky and the Boys said...

Yeah, my two year old is potty trained too, though he chooses to have an "on purpose" in his pants (always #2) on occasion. He can control it. I've learned that when he comes to tell me that he needs to go potty, and stands next to me sneering and going in his pants, to offer him a chocolate chip if he will go in the toilet. It works. However, yesterday we were running errands and he was falling asleep in the car as I got to the post office. I got the baby out, put her in a stroller, then went around to get him out. He had done a two-fer in his pants, so I put baby back in and went home, and gave hubby the packages to mail today instead. I had to take out the carseat padding to wash, and hose him down in the shower, and on and on. Truly, though, your little one is trained - she went to the bathroom to do her business. We still keep a little potty seat in the downstairs bathroom, that doubles as a step stool so he can wash his hands. Some times he decides to use it (maybe when his brothers are on the big one?) No one tells you before you have kids that you are going to be up to your elbows in poo for YEARS to come.

Melinda said...

onYeah my son just turned 3 and is finally starting to get the hang of potty training, but he will not drop a deuce in the toilet. He has now seems to try to wait until he is in a pull-up for nap time. At least he does that. One time I sent him to the bathroom to go pee and I realized a few minutes later he hadn't come out. I went in there and there was toilet water ALL OVER my bathroom. He grabbed the toilet bowl brush to "clean" the toilet and flung the water everywhere- on the ceiling, walls the mirror. It was crazy. And mind you he has been scolded plenty of times not to touch that thing but he couldn't resist.

Melissa said...

Okay, so this is the second time I have read this and I am still laughing my head off! My almost 4 year old cleaned up poop a few weeks ago and I just had to laugh because anything else would have been child abuse:)

Lovely Love said...

i love you i really do

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